*If a Guy Brags About Sex, He’s Going to Be Terrible
I recently watched Girls and relived the magic that was Marnie and Booth Jonathan all over again. Remember the line he whipped out when he was ready to up the ante? “I want you to know: the first time I f*ck you, I might scare you a little. Because I’m a man, and I know how to do things.” The hotness of that statement was basically like staring into an eclipse, so it’s only natural that when they actually had sex, it was hilariously disappointing and filled with dirty talk about sassy dolls. If boasts about how talented he is, that means he's probably capable of single-handedly fulfilling your bad-sex quota.
*You’re Bound to Run Into Your Ex at an Awful Time
Like when you’re heading to the pharmacy to treat a monster head cold that has practically turned you into an extra in The Walking Dead. Or when you’re on your way back to your place, sobbing because you just got laid off. Time will slow down as you realize that, instead of being one of those fake-outs where you think it’s your ex but it’s just someone with the same stupid haircut, it actually is him this time. Your reward for making it through the torturous conversation is spending the rest of the day in bed. These run-ins are always mortifying, but in a few years (or decades?) you’ll be able to laugh them off.
*You Will Have Intense Feelings for Someone Totally Inappropriate
One day you’ll find yourself mooning over someone who should be off-limits. From your best friend’s twin brother to your boyfriend’s dad to that dudebro bartender who is a terrible person but exerts a magnetic pull on you, the possibilities are endless! Even better, you will usually be hung up on this person while much more suitable options hang out on the sidelines, completely ignored because their adequacy is just so boring.
*One Awful Date Will Make You Swear Off Love Forever
He may be the fifth guy who's four inches shorter and 10 years older than his dating profile said. Or maybe he’s just terribly dull, like the human equivalent of elevator music. Either way, at some point in your love life, there will be a date that is the last straw. You will be tempted to close up your V-shop and just accept your fate as a hermit until the end of your days. Thankfully, this is always a temporary thing. Soon enough, the date will be a distant memory and you’ll be ready to try again.
*You Will Accidentally Text a Guy About Him
“Chris is so sexy my clothes want to tear themselves off every time I see him,” you send to…Chris. An embarrassing text that was supposed to land in your best friend’s inbox will inevitably wind up in the hands of the very guy you were talking about. Saying something complimentary is better than the alternative, which would be texting “OK, I’m about to dump him,” to your boyfriend who you’re sitting next to on the couch. I’ve heard of this happening. True life or urban legend? Who cares, the simple existence of the possibility is horrifying enough.
